I didn’t have a single girlfriend before I turned 25. In that time, I heard and believed many lies surrounding singleness and marriage, especially as I worked in ministry. Here are nine common lies about singleness and marriage that I’ve heard from churches, singles, and married people trying to help their single friends.
One: God Promises Marriage
I might not have heard a church say we are promised marriage (because that idea is definitely not Biblical), but in many ways, the church has conditioned us to believe marriage is certain. Yes, statistically, most will get married, but it’s never promised. We need to stop assuming. When we assume, those who don’t end up married will feel cheated out of something they deserved or had a right to.
Even worse, by only focusing on marriage, the church misses out on the wonderful opportunity to help prepare young adults to use their single years wisely. Most churches forget to mention that some people will never marry and that remaining single can be just as life-giving and fruitful.
Some people may remain single for bad reasons like stubbornness, obsession with freedom, or an inability to commit. Still, just because some do it wrong doesn’t mean being single is wrong.
Two: I Could Never Endure Ninety Years of Singleness
Correct, you can’t, because all you can do is live one day at a time. You will never face ninety years of singleness all at once.
I’ve felt this myself. The looming fear of “what if I’m seventy and still single?” But don’t put the burden of all those future years on your current day self. God will give you the strength to endure each day’s challenges. By the time you turn seventy and are still single, God would’ve already strengthened you and equipped you to face that challenge. Take it one day at a time. Because, odd’s are, you probably have the strength to endure the trials of being single today.
Three: If You Aren’t Married, Then God’s Waiting For You to Mature
I’ve heard this lie a few times, and I believed it personally myself. I honestly thought that if I just became a better Christian, God would promote me to the next level: marriage. This sort of mentality creates a false and destructive hierarchy of the mature married couples and the sub-par singles.
Let’s stop and consider here for a moment, that perhaps (just maybe) there are other factors influencing God’s reason for not opening the marriage door yet. What if you just haven’t met the person yet? Maybe the right person isn’t yet ready?
Though I’m sure God is waiting for some people to mature more, this isn’t the only reason God has people wait. So don’t assume there’s something wrong with someone just because they aren’t married.
Four: Once I Get Married, Then I’ll Be Happy
This lie is a huge warning flag that marriage has become an idol. I’ve heard the false truth behind this lie from both married and single people though it’s expressed in different ways.
As a recently married man, I can say that marriage is awesome. I’m very glad I’m married, but—even as a married man—, I still must find my joy and satisfaction in Christ alone. Even single people can find satisfaction in Christ. Just ask Paul. This is the true context of Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
And for all of you who are married, marriage won’t fix your single friend’s problem. Only Jesus can. Don’t assume that your single friend will be so much happier if they just got married. It’s fine to pray they find someone, but it’s more important to pray they’d find satisfaction in their singleness.
Five: I Can’t Move On In Life Until I Get Married
I don’t think I’ve heard someone say this, but I’ve seen many people live this way. They feel stuck in life as a single. They need to marry to get to where they want to be and feel slighted by God because he’s holding them back.
This is like pouting and waiting for God to make us millionaires. It might never happen. So, instead of waiting for a closed door to open, take advantage of all the open doors around you as a single. As a Christian single, I went and served God as a missionary in the Middle East. I’m so glad I used that season of singleness to do what I’m sure many of my married friends wish they could’ve done before getting married.
Six: Once You are Satisfied In Singleness, Then You’ll Find Someone
Right, because God always works in formulas. Additionally, if you walk under a ladder, then you’ll be cursed with singleness forever.
Just because this is what happened to you or your pastor, does not mean it’s how God always works. I didn’t learn total satisfaction in my singleness before I started dating my wife. Did I sin against God by dating her? I definitely don’t think so.
Let’s learn to be satisfied in all seasons, but we can’t assume this will lead to someone finding their significant other.
Seven: If You Just Follow God, He’ll Lead You To Marriage
Here’s another formula that’s putting God in a box. Yes, follow God, but follow God for the sake of following God, not to find your significant other. What about all the amazing singles in the world who have dedicated their lives to Christ? They made a huge impact through their singleness. If they didn’t find someone, then does that mean they weren’t following God?
Wouldn’t it be terrible if you spent seventy years following God for the purpose of getting married only then for God to never open that door? This is why we must follow God expecting only what he promises in his word.
Eight: I Don’t Need To Look Because God Will Lead Me To Someone
This statement can be true, but I’ve also seen many use it to excuse laziness. This is kind of like sitting in your room praying desperately for God to make himself known to you, yet you never pick up the Bible and read what God says about himself through it.
Yes, God can make us cross paths with someone, or perhaps he wants us to take advantage of opportunities around us. Go to that young adult’s group, join an adult sports league, or serve at some ministry. Just get out there. But, no matter how hard you look and how many people you meet, finding the right person can and only will happen in God’s timing (unless you force it to happen). So it may require patience, or it may not happen at all.
Nine: Married Life Is Better Than The Single Life
Yes, marriage is God’s design. It’s a beautiful thing, despite all the terrible things our society says about the life-long commitment between a man and a woman. But if God isn’t opening that door, then he has a plan, and his plan is always better.
Though it might seem like marriage is better than being single, what is absolutely worse than singleness is getting married against God’s will. It’s better to be lonely as a single than lonely in a marriage. And, there’s a large group of divorced people who can explain just how bad it is to be married to a bad spouse.
In the end, following God is always best, even if it requires giving our dreams up to God. We must trust God. If he leads us down a path of singleness, then we can trust that there’s no marriage in the world that will satisfy us more than what he’s leading to.
In the end, life isn’t about getting married, it’s about following God, living righteous lives, and making God’s name known. And sometimes, God’s plan to help people do this the best in this short life is by remaining single.
I hope this blog encouraged you singles and helped you married folks relate to singles around you. Let’s all strive to walk with God first and foremost and not idolize marriage. Let’s live wilder.
Are there other lies I might’ve missed? Please let me know by commenting below!
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If you are having a hard time finding joy and meaning in life, check out my blog The Christian Life Shouldn’t Be Boring
Thanks for sharing Philip! I experienced all of these in the nearly 20 years I didn’t date as a single Christian. I’m sure I could come up with a few more as that was a long time in receiving bad advice for my singleness. But Here’s Myth #10 for you: “It will happen when you least expect it”. I think this statement is true 100% of the time, and saying this can also cause false hope, or worse, putting a justification on a potentially bad relationship because you “weren’t expecting it” so it must be of God; when in reality the false hope that one thought was being fulfilled was not God’s will at all. Hope that made sense. God bless you!
Exactly, there are so many ways we can try to make a formula out of finding someone, but It’s God’s plan and God’s will and I think he know’s best how to work in each person’s life.
Just a huge “YES!” Similar to one of your points, I’ve realized lately that I’ve heard it insinuated that marriage is woman’s highest calling. Which means, if I never marry, I’ll never attain that “highest calling.” It’s the same as saying a missionary is God’s highest calling. Sorry, it’s not. God’s highest calling is obedience to His specific path and plan, which is never the same for any two Christians. Thanks for your perspective.
Amen, claims like that are maybe slightly more grounded in God’s word, but the principle is non-the-less the same as Joel Olstein’s claim that if you had true faith you’d be rich. Haha, who are we to put God in a box and tell him what is the greatest path. And what about widows, does that mean they are no longer living to their greatest potential?
Love it, Philip! And so true. I will definitely look back on these through the years. I myself am still single and I have had 11 matchmaking sessions — 11 times i was matched up in church with the wrong person by a member of our church, and I recognized it at that moment. It can be frustrating, no doubt. Great job!
Oh man, I bet that was hard. It’s very kind of them to try, and finding the right person does mean finding a lot of the wrong people, but it’s still hard to go through that. In the end, only God knows who (if anyone) is the right match for you. God bless!
Well I am only 16 but i do agree on all of these and I know God has a plan for me and he will want me to end up in a good relationship and a good marriage partner and I am so glad you have a website and i think it’s cool.
Thank you Amaris! Hold to that belief. God definitely has good plans for you whether that be marriage or not.
Here in Uganda, they actually say you are cursed, (Generational curse) or extremely unlucky or bad mannered! It irritates! You can feel less than a human when you sit under a person preaching that! Thanks for this
Wow, that must be hard! I’ve never heard someone say something as extreme as that. God is faithful, and he can use all people. In fact, if you look at the disciples it seems as if he prefers to use singles for specific jobs!